Driving Miss Craisy

I drove to Pinesdale and back last night!  Now to some that might be an every day occurrence like say for the people who live there but for me that's a big deal...A really super big huge deal!  The only piece of my anxiety puzzle that continues to allude me is driving.  Why I have panic attacks when I get behind the wheel, I'll never know.  Trust me...I've been to various therapists one being a hypno-therapist and the most they could get was I was afraid of the car engine sound because of my irrational fear of car bombs.  Yeah, pretty sure that's not it;)  It's been a while ago now but to re-introduce myself to driving after suffering with anxiety and vertigo from an ear infection, Joe helped me set "safe-zones".  That's right, it's taken some time but I can drive from Lone Pine to Riverside and anywhere in between.  I hope you don't live outside my safe zone or I will have to hire a chauffeur.  I joke about it but ...it's.  not.  funny.  I vividly remember the day I made it to Lone Pine to gas up.  April Hawkes was there too but I bet she had no idea she had just witnessed history!  And then the day I made it to Riverside, I howled as I embraced my inner wolf;)  I had been watching Once Upon a Time on Netflix.  Don't ask.

So how did I end up all the way, yes 12 whole miles away in Pinesdale?  My sister in law Hannah decided to have a Valentine Card making party.  I took the bait.  As I was gathering my crafting supplies with Kristen, only one thing remained.  Who was going to drive me?  Joe or Will?  As fate would have it...neither of them would.  I'm trying to understand why a loving husband would force me to face my fears. I know he thinks my fears are dumb or worse, not even fears at all.  But even when I had my anxiety under control, the simple fact of the matter is I can't see at night.  My anxiety with driving long distances (out of my safe zone) isn't getting to my destination...it's coming home.  Yet another irrational fear but I think it's good I recognize that.  Coupled with the fact that we just had a snow storm and the roads were icy...  Well, you get the picture.

So I told Kristen as I made my huffy way to Zippy (the only car I haven't had a panic attack in), that we may or may not make it to our destination.  She smiled and gave me a pep talk and told me it was fine either way.  I believed her.  She even offered that if I didn't feel comfortable, I should take the back roads;)  So I did.  I'm sure nobody has ever taken 25 minutes to get to Pinesdale from Hamilton but I was just proud as can be that I did.  Like I said, I knew I could get there but I spent most my time card making worrying about how I was going to be able to get home.

After Kristen and I made 11 Valentine cards and long after the sun had gone down, it was time to make the journey home.  I told myself that I would go slow.  Slow and steady wins the race, right?  I told myself I would acknowledge my thresholds and pull over when needed.  Kristen offered to roll down the windows if that helped me breathe easier.  So we started home...ever so slowly in a car I named Zippy.  The irony was smacking me in the face.  Soon, a truck came up behind me.  I said a silent prayer.  I hate it when people tailgate me.  I wish I could have had a sign in the window that said, "Nervous driver on board" or "Caution: Car can't go over 30mph", instead I just sang louder to the music on the radio and told Kristen I was sorry but that was as fast as my threshold of fear and blindness would allow.  If he was so angry with me, HE could be the one to pass me...which he did...angrily.  Whew!  Crisis averted!  But then headlights blinded me once again in my rearview mirror.  This time I wished I had a sign that said, "Sorry, buddy...this is as fast as it's gonna get" or "Please do us both a favor and pass me" but no, this person was bound and determined to follow me through the traffic light.  I spoke out loud..."Threshold".  I had to make a decision to keep going or pull over.  My Threshold yelled out, "Pull Over Now".  Only there wasn't anywhere to pull over.  My speed decreased as I became my own cheerleader.  Kristen noticing the beads of sweat forming on my forehead said, "You can do this mommy!  Not much further till our turn."  Thankfully she was right.  I turned and the other car didn't.  I was home free!

Kristen high- fived me as she recognized the momentous occasion.  I hope and pray that she won't be plagued by fears as she grows up.  I worry about the example I am setting for her...especially regarding my fears.  But I couldn't let myself go there.  Not while I was still behind the wheel.  So as I pulled into the garage, I gripped the steering wheel one more time and whispered thank you.  Time:  27 minutes.  But I did it.  I wanted to do a happy dance and scream and shout and cry but my neck and shoulders were so tense that all I wanted to do was retreat to my closet, grab my teddy bear Molly,  and cry a little.  I didn't.  I acted like it was no big deal and went up to watch a movie with the family.  Once I felt my heart rate becoming more normal, I sighed and allowed my shoulders to relax.  I was completely and utterly exhausted.  And if I'm honest with myself, I was still resentful that Joe hadn't just driven me in the first place.  Oh well.  I did it right?  Lesson learned right?  

Long story short...Kristen and I had a blast making cards!  I didn't quite fully grasp the type of cards they were talking about.  I was terribly confused why we would need magazines for such an event...  But after Hannah proudly displayed her card of an obese old man with fat rolling out of his shirt along with the words cut out that said, "Get your potato scrubber ready"...or something like that, then I knew.  Kristen and my cards were done with Stampin Up stamps, Fancy printed paper and heart punches.  As the other sister's in law created George Clooney cut out cards, I felt I was a bit out of my league.  But Bev wins with her card of a polar bear attempting P90X...darling.  I didn't quite feel the Valentine's day vibe from most of the cards but then was relieved to see one of the other sister in laws diligently working on cello bags of mnm's for her kids to give as valentines at school.  We all had a delightful time crafting together.  I'm very glad we were able to go.  So if you get stuck behind a car going well under the speed limit, just be a little patient.  You never know...that person slugging along may be conquering one fear at a time.  Feel free to fly on by but please don't give her the bird:/  I might try driving past my comfort zones again but oh how I dream of the day of having a personal chauffeur to drive Miss Craisy wherever she needs to go;)