September 11th and Anxiety

September 11th and Anxiety:  Is it possible that it has been seventeen years since the tragic day of September 11, 2001?  I am deeply connected to 9/11 in more ways than one. Everyone is posting “Never Forget” and I echo that sentiment.  But tonight’s post is about another type of terrorism….the on-going battle in my head. Just days before 9/11 I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder:(  A diagnosis I have yet to shake. The terrorist attack on America spun me into a state of emotional and mental chaos I hope never to experience again. I couldn’t let Joe out of my sight.  I couldn’t walk down my sidewalk. Both eardrums had collapsed and I was recovering from a sinus infection on top of everything else. My world would never be the same! My childhood fear of terrorists had become realized in more ways than one and I felt an impending doom which I now know was just my mind messing with me.  Regardless, my personal 9/11 caused my towers to come crashing down.

As I reflect on the last seventeen years I see so much more hate and violence in our country.  I wonder when the United We Stand attitude disintegrated? Good has become evil and what was once evil has become perceived as good.  God is no longer allowed in our schools. We’re barely allowed to mention Him publicly. I’ll let the rest of social media rant about all that.  Now my thoughts reflect on my own daily battles with anxiety. Although I’m especially irritated that I can hardly drive anymore without feeling like I’m on the verge of a heart attack, tonight I am actually thankful for my anxiety disorder.

Unlike the state of our country, my soul has risen from the ashes!  I have been able to use this sacred time to become closer to God than I ever have been before.  It took me a while but I have learned to listen to my body, I’ve learned how to slow down, and I’ve learned to appreciate the little things.  I cling to my Savior because sometimes that is the only thing I have to hold on to when my emotions feel like an airplane is being flown right through my brain.  The terrorist in my head loves to contribute to the chaos making me believe I’m not enough and that everyone is judging my every move. Anxiety is a very selfish disease.  Depression is a debilitating disease. I’ve had both and sometimes both at once. My brain has been stuck in “Stage Fright” mode only I’m not on stage and it doesn’t make sense.  I feel like a spot light is on me 24/7 when I’m driving, shopping, attending church, or even just being a spectator at a cross country meet. The terrorist inside my head says I have to be perfect or I am nothing.  I know better!

Just as my dad taught me when I was little, the terrorist’s sole purpose is to create fear.  If we give into the fear, the terrorist has won! So simple yet so true! The same thing applies with anxiety.  In an effort to not only face my demons but find out what they are feeding on, I am finally going to start writing again.  I hope that through writing, the darkest parts of my mind will finally get to find the light. I have learned through meditation on The Daily Calm app that I need to view my emotions and let them pass without any judgment.  I am learning to love myself and my disorder despite the hurt they have dished out over the years. I am learning that pure love casts out all fear. I have learned that I can ask to receive the Holy Ghost. I am reclaiming my marriage.  I am embracing the changing me.

I am not who I was back on the saddest of days in September 2001.  I have studied. I have prayed. I have cried. I have gone to doctors.  I have confided in close friends. I have learned the art of energy healing.  I know I am an empath. I know I walk daily with the Savior at my side. I know I can do hard things.  A few weeks ago as I was writing in my gratitude journal, I wrote, “I’m thankful I was able to manage my anxiety disorder enough to enjoy the sweet years of motherhood raising young children.”  And I meant it! I have one child left at home and feel like she’s getting ripped off by not having the me that Jansen, Carlie, and Will had. But upon further reflection I realize that she gets the upgraded version;)  Oh I still have plenty of bugs to work out and I intend to continually be progressing and upgrading. Even on my weakest day, I know I am still enough. I trust God will allow me to be the best mom I can be for her too.  I trust in His plan over my plan.

So I’m not sure where my writing will take me.  I have accepted my condition and although I still remain hopeful that someday my symptoms will go away, I also acknowledge that even if I have anxiety and depression the rest of my life, I will persevere and find a sacredness in the struggle.  A while back my husband and I were watching an old movie. We could tell how dated it was because the New York skyline had the ever prominent Twin Towers in the background. My breath caught for a moment and I grieved yet again for a moment. And that’s ok.  I should grieve. So now I am going to glimpse back on my so called skyline of what I once was before my diagnosis and allow myself to grieve...but just for a moment. It’s time to rebuild something different and something better. Because afterall, we will never forget!