On Becoming Yourself's Bestfriend

I just finished the most amazing book called From Panic to Power by Lucinda Bassett.  This has definitely helped speed along my healing.  Even though I am done reading the book, now I get to apply the principles.  "When you have low self-esteem, you are your own worst enemy.  Befriend yourself."  Anxiety is the thief of self confidence!  I have never considered myself as having low self esteem but now I find I do...or did.  Not only had I become my worst enemy, but I was afraid of being alone with my thoughts.  I had a poster in my dorm room in college that said, "Tell me what you think about when you don't have to think, and I will tell you who you are".  Part of living with anxiety is learning how to control obsessive and catastrophic thought patterns.  So this week, my goal has been to befriend myself.  If I have to be alone with myself everyday, I might as well enjoy it, right? 

So here is what I have done to become myself's own best friend this week:
1.  I am learning how to play a song on the piano (A Thousand Years)
2.  I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone and out of the house.  I even went to the XC Meet this past Saturday.  And even though it was hard, I faced my fears and did it anyways.  I congratulated myself.
3.  I braved a ward linger-longer...aka potluck.  Anyone who knows me, knows that on a great day a potluck can spin me right into a panic attack.  But Justin Heath just got home from his mission and I didn't want to miss it.  My new bestfriend said, "You Go Girl!"  So despite a headache, I went and had a GREAT time!  I could feel myself emerging again.
4.  I have started to take better care of myself.  I have been feeling ugly lately so I am sure I have been looking ugly.  Who cares if nobody is going to see me...I will fix my hair again and maybe even splurge with some makeup.  And tomorrow...I venture to the beauty salon and may even dye all the grey out of my hair;)
5.  I started working out again!  Yay me!  No...it's not Zumba yet but this week is all about baby steps.  Why it takes so much courage to walk into the Canyons...I will never know.  I think it's because I had a panic attack in that building but the book said to not avoid places you have had attacks.  So Carlie made me a workout schedule with weights.  Not only did I do it....I loved feeling the endorphins surge through my body!
6.  When I got back from working out I took a long hot shower.  Okay so I may or may not have been dancing to Bruno Mars' Runaway Baby while in the shower.  My new best friend cautioned me to settle down or it could be the beginning of a very awkward Emergency Room story;)  But once I got out...the dancing resumed!  Am I back?
7.  My new best friend reminds me to listen to fun music...Pandora 80's pop mix?  Yes, please!  Where would I be without Pandora?  One day, I stopped everything to just sing Adele's Lovesong.  I sang to myself in the mirror with all the passion of any contestant that has ever been on the Voice or American Idol. 
8.  I finally got to stamp yesterday.  My new best friend said it's important for me to use my creativity...so mom, you are getting a cool birthday card this year!
9.  My new best friend says it's fine to spoil myself with peaches and ice cream...even if it's after 10pm.  Did I mention I canned peaches on my own this year?  Three boxes of yummy peach goodness:)
10.  I am allowing myself to cry when I need to.  I am allowing myself to laugh out loud if I feel like it.  I am allowing myself to let tears fall when I am missing Jansen.  I am also allowing myself to enjoy every minute of helping Kristen with her homework and 20 minutes of reading each night.  I even take time to nap when I feel like crap.  I am allowing myself to be less than perfect for the first time in my life.
11.  I am letting go.  I am being more patient with myself and I am celebrating my little successes (like driving on Eastside Hwy to the Gwynns) more fully.

I am enjoying being with myself a little more each day.  Did you know I forgot how to dream through this whole ordeal?  I want to dream again...and I am giving permission for myself to live life again.  I don't want to be agoraphobic anymore.  I will never have any fun adventures if I don't leave the house.  My brother in law saw me at the XC Meet this past weekend and said he was happy to see me out and about because he had heard I was deliriously sick.  Well, I wouldn't say deliriously...but he made me realize that I have come a long way.  This has been a good week.  I have battled through my anxiety symptoms.  The symptoms  seem to lessen when I treat myself as my own self's best friend.  My CranioSacral therapist has really been helping me progress too by keeping my spine and brain balanced.  The book also reminded me to quit longing for my old self...because I will be new and improved after I cross through this fire.  So I will continue to pray out loud...please help me learn to love myself again!  I need to be myself's own best friend!